1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Lmao
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Oh my God.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]