GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close