My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
12653.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.