Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Holy moly
Who.
Did.
This?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Social Media and Real life
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…