Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
smartest karate player in the world
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.