The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
repaired
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.