Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
(by @ZachWeiner )
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*