*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.