throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”