Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
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The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.