friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.