Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.