Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?