Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread