me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.