[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.