When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
You Might Also Like
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook