Encore…
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.