Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Accurate
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.