Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?