I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I’m Sold!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different