I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.