every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My beach vacation Google searches
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
lumberjacks will cut a birch
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom