Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.