Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
scares
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.