When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I bet birds love this building.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.