My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.