Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?