It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
his wife is probably gonna see that
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home