All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.