said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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who called it a toilet and not an IP address
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.