LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs