Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
BETRAYAL
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.