[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
do horses think humans are hats
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.