Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*