Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.