When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Ape together strong
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.