I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.