My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
That’s easy for you to say
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay