They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
You Might Also Like
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT