ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Free him
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.