The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
You Might Also Like
No Google it does not
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I wish this was real life…
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Spider-cat: No One Home
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.