That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.