My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED