ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
You Might Also Like
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.