Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Herpes is trending, good job people
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back