well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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Breaking news:
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd