It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
#ProTip
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst