I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
You Might Also Like
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”