awkward
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff